Chapter 1: Jesus, Lover of Deer Heads

2008-06-30T22:43:00.000-07:00

“Where we goin?” Ian leaned his head against my arm; he was starting to fade quickly. My mother had her hands clutched on the wheel, her knuckles white.

“Grammi where we goin?” Ian pushed his glasses up the brim of his nose. “Grammi where…”

“Ian! You better quiet down back there or I’m stopping this car.” She looked back quickly and scowled at him. Truth of the matter was, I didn’t know where we were going either. Ian was close to tears; he hugged my arm and pressed his cheek against it. “ I don’t feel good” Ian sniffled.

“We are not stopping until we get there.” She said. Yes but where is there? I looked out the window to see if the scenery would give me any hints. All I could see were giant green trees along both sides of the road. I knew we couldn’t have gotten through all of Pennsylvania that quickly.

“I hungry…” Ian whispered.

“IAN! What did I say?” My mother then brought the car to a screeching halt on the side of the road and hopped out. It was near black outside, I saw her white figure move along the front of the car, illuminated by the strong headlights of the van. She slid my door open.

“Out.” She said plainly. I undid my seatbelt and she grabbed me by the arm and pulled me out of the van. “Go into the back, and get him a snack before I go AWOL, you hear?”

“Yes mam…” I watched her carefully as I made my way to the back of the van; I opened the hatchback, and hoisted myself in. Ian turned around to look at me scavenge through the cooler. He put his chin on the back of the seat and swung his hands over the side. I looked at all the stuff we managed to get out of the trailer: some clothes, my camera, two boxes of photo albums, and a box of baby stuff. We stopped off at a Wal-Mart on the way up and got a cooler and filled it with soda and cheese sticks. I reached into the cold water that had only a few cubes of ice left and picked out two cheese sticks and a diet Pepsi. I shut the lid and slid out of the back of the car. I walked along the side of the car and hopped back in next to Ian. I slid the door shut and my mother took off onto the deserted road. I peeled the plastic off of one of the cheese sticks and handed it to Ian, he grabbed it and bit right into the stick. I took out my cheese and started pulling off thin strands and putting them in my mouth. Ian finished his cheese and looked hungrily at mine. I handed him the rest of it and he gobbled it down. I opened the diet pepsi and took a sip; he reached out his hands.

“No, this is diet” I pulled my arm further away.

“I firsty!” He whined.

“Would you give him the soda already!?” My mother yelled. I handed him the can and he began chugging it. I took it from him and he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Ahhhh” he said.

“Ok no more. This stuff isn’t good for you.”

“Why?”

“You’re four, you are too young to be drinking this stuff,” I said pointing to the label.

“Why?”

“It’s bad for little boys.”

“Why?”

“IAN! Do you want me to pull over?” My mother yelled from the front seat. Ian folded his arms and furrowed his brows. He let out a loud “Hmph”. I finished off the soda and placed it in the cup holder.

“Ian why don’t you try get some sleep?” I offered.

“I gots to weed first”

“We don’t have anything to read…” I looked around and spotted a brochure for camping. I pulled it out and looked through it. I turned on the light and handed it to him.

“Da c-c-cam-p-p-per-s, goo-I-ee-d-ee, gooiee-dee, gooieedee?”

“Guide”

“Da campers guide” He placed it on his lap and looked at me.

“Now are you ready for bed?” I asked hopefully.

“Dis is bore-ging”

“Well it’s not a kids book that’s why.” He handed it back to me and I put it back in the back pocket of the chair.

“I wanna go HOME” he whined.

“IAN! This is your last warning” My mother shouted. He pouted quietly. I reached into the back and searched for a blanket, all I found was one of my mother’s ex’s over sized shirt. I unbuckled Ian and he rested his head on my thigh, I swung the t-shirt over him and he wrapped it around himself and curled into a ball. He handed me his glasses and I placed them in the second cup holder. I stroked his hair until he finally fell asleep. I kept looking out at the trees that were becoming hypnotic. I felt my eyes grow heavy, but then my mother turned on the blinker and turned off onto some dirt road jogging me awake. I looked at the clock on the dash “12:00am”. I pressed my head against the window and sighed. I began to see a house here and there with a couple of farms, two or three grazing cows, then my mother turned onto a driveway. We pulled up to a small red farmhouse with a screened in porch. My mother hopped out of the car and slammed the door behind her. Ian woke up; he hoisted himself up onto one elbow and looked around squinting.

“Go back to sleep” I said gently. He placed his head on my leg again but he kept his eyes open. I saw my mother faintly through the screened in porch, she was banging on their front door. A giant woman stepped out of the house; she was about four times the size of my mother. I saw my mother point to the van. She continued talking to the overweight woman for ten minutes. Then my mother gave her a hug, and walked back to the van. She slid open my door.

“We’re staying here for the night” She turned around and walked back towards the house. I grabbed Ian’s glasses and slid them into my pocket. I stepped out of the van and picked him up. He put his arms around my neck and I hoisted him up a bit, the oversized t-shirt still covered his back. I shut the door and carried him through the screened in porch and into the house.

“Oh Suzy I didn’t know you had a son!” She whispered excitedly and went over and pinched at Ian’s cheeks. Ian gave her a glare and turned his head away, placing it on my shoulder.

“He’s not mine,” Answered my mother.

“Oh don’t tell me this young lady is the mother, she’s a baby herself” She had a rich southern accent that made me almost gag listening to it. “How old are ya?”

“Seventeen” I replied looking at my feet.

“Oh no… we can’t be having this in the house of Jesus, now can we?” Her smile faded. I looked at her awful confused. House of Jesus? I doubt Jesus had a taste for deer heads in his living room.

“Has he been baptized? When did you have him? Where’s the father? Why isn’t he with him now? Why don’t you look at me when I’m speaking to you? Have you ever been to confessions” She started asking a thousand questions at once, and seemed very concerned with my past present and future.

“Excuse me mam?” I tried to get her to repeat herself.

“Do you know the price of having under aged sex?” She put her hands on her hips.

“I was raped” I wanted to go back to the car and drive away from Jesus’ house as quick as possible.

“Oh my dear I’m sorry” She reached and gave me a hug, then landed a kiss on the side of my neck. It felt slimy and I wanted to take a scrub brush to my neck. Ian closed his eyes tighter and I could tell he didn’t want to be there any more than I did. “Well I have the pull out couch here for you Annabelle and your son can sleep in little Gregory’s room…”

“We can share the pullout, I don’t mind.” I said.

“Well a son shouldn’t sleep with his mother, that’s just wrong.” She said smiling. “Its no problem at all, I’ll just put him in bed with Gregory, he won’t even know he’s there. Then your mama can have our guest bedroom”

“Can Ian sleep on the pull out? I’ll gladly take the floor.” I was on the verge of begging.

“Now I couldn’t go makin you sleep on this hard floor.” She shook her finger at me.

“Anna, don’t be rude to our host,” my mother said. I could see in her eyes that she was a little nervous herself that we were all going to be split up.

“Now give us little Eligh and I’ll put him to bed.” She put out her arms. I passed over Ian, who was half asleep. She disappeared around the corner with him.

“Mom, who is this fatty patty?” I whispered in her ear.

“Her name is Pat, I know her from church, will you please… just don’t cause any trouble.” She pleaded.

“Mom, for Christ’s sakes I don’t even know the women and I’m supposed to trust her with my kid?” I whispered loudly.

“Listen, I’m not taking my chances with your meth head father, now please just stop…” I looked into her eyes, I saw the bruises on her neck and cheek, and I shook my head.

“Ok, but I want out in the morning, ok?” She nodded her head. I hugged her tightly. She pulled away when Pat returned.

“I’ll show you to the guest bedroom now” She led my mother around the corner and out of sight. I sat down on the side of the pullout and took my shoes off. Pat returned and turned off the light in the living room and left. What no good night necking? I fell back onto the pull out. I could feel the metal bar through the thin mattress. I sat up and rubbed my back, I turned around and tried lying down again. This time I could feel the bar trying to cut me in two, I grabbed the pillow and placed it under my back. I starred up at the ceiling for a while trying to think of what brought us here, to the middle of nowhere.

My mother screamed at us to pack the van quickly, she started grabbing clothes off of hangers and tossed them into the back, I started grabbing photo albums and throwing them into boxes, while Ian stood crying. My stepfather was locked in the bathroom screaming at us; he kept jiggling the doorknob and slamming against the door trying to loosen the chair that my mother had propped up against it. He even tried coaxing Ian into moving the chair. “Come on, that’s a good boy, let me out, just move the chair Ian. Ian… Ian…” My mother grabbed Ian and put him in the backseat of the van. My mother was in hysterics and seemed afraid for her life. I kept trying to keep my head clear and grab everything important to me. Photos were number one, baby things, my camera, and then Ian’s comfort items. I had just thrown my camera into the car, and was going back to grab Ian’s things when my mother grabbed my wrist and told me we had to leave. Ian was on the floor of the van screaming and wailing as loud as he could. I looked to see if he was hurt. My mother shut the hatchback and peeled out of the driveway.

I turned over on the pullout and tried to get comfortable, Pat hadn’t even given me a blanket to cover up with. What did I lose? My stereo, my records, some shoes, a few outfits… is that all? I hope we got at least some of Ian’s comfort things… I felt my stomach drop. I shut my eyes tight and wished it all never happened. Then my mother came into the living room with a blanket around her shoulders.

“Mom?”

“There is no way in hell I’m sleeping in there” She got on the pullout and threw the blanket over both of us. She started laughing. “She has this huge metal crucifix with Jesus nailed onto it, hanging over the bed. I’d rather take my chances with the deer heads.” I laughed and she held me close. “I’m sorry for being so horrible to you and Ian for the last couple hours…”

“I know.” I held her hand tightly and felt greatly comforted by her presence. Then Ian appeared around the corner with the oversized shirt wrapped around his shoulders. I motioned for him to come over and he darted to the pullout and jumped up with me. His cheeks were wet with tears and he hugged me tight.

“I wanna go home, where’s baby bear?” He sat on his knees sniffling and I could hardly make out his face in the dark.

“I don’t know, we’re going to have to look for him tomorrow” I knew his stuffed bear was still at the trailer; I didn’t have the heart to tell him. He lay down and I wrapped my arms around him. He sniffled some more, and then fell asleep in my arms. I began to drift into a rough sleep.

The tide was high and I was drowning in the middle of the ocean, my head could hardly stay above the water, waves moved me up and down. I was tied to the ocean floor with chains, I had a bag of meth in my right hand and tried to swim as hard as I could but I went nowhere. Sharks were surrounding me I could see hundreds of fins out of the water. “I have your meth!” I yelled proudly, I held it above my head and they stopped. “I have your meth! You stupid sharks” I dangled it above my head and the sharks’ eyes followed the bag. Then something tugged on my chain and I was dragged through the ocean and fell into the living area of the old trailer. I stood up but I wasn’t even three feet tall. I pulled the pair of glasses off my face and my world became blurred, I was Ian. I ran into the kitchen as if I knew something would happen in just moments. I saw my stepfather grab my mother by her wrists and shake her. I sat on the ground and started crying. He came over and screamed at me, telling me to shut up. He went back to my mother and held her by one arm and started swinging his fist, hitting her in the cheek and neck multiple times.
Then I became my stepfather, I felt rage boil through my veins, my mother kneeled onto the floor and I hit her on the head as hard as I could. Then I saw a blur run at me and try knock me over. I laughed when I saw her fall to the floor, then she stood up and started clawing and biting at me. She grabbed my neck and began strangling me, that’s when I hit… myself.

I woke up and felt a stinging in my eye. I pressed the bruise lightly and felt a sharp pain. I looked over to see a short chubby blond kid starring at me. Ian was still asleep in my arms.

“Poo poo ca ca doodie!” The kid said. He turned around and placed one finger on his bottom and made farting noises with his mouth. “I go poo poo” he laughed and ran off into the kitchen. I sat up and the smell of bacon hit me at once. Ian sat up as well and rubbed his eyes then laid back down and fell asleep. I reached into my pocket and cleaned off his glasses and placed them on the side table. My mother was still fast asleep. I stood up, and walked into the kitchen. The chubby blond boy sat at the table with his fork and knife pounding his fists up and down. I looked over and saw Pat making bacon, eggs, sausage, toast, and pancakes. Thank God, I am so hungry.

“Here you go sweet heart” She handed me a bowl of oatmeal and a spoon. I looked disappointedly at it. “I made you Eligh and your mama some, do you want brown sugar?”

“Yes please…” And bacon and eggs and toast and whatever else you can throw in here for the love of God! She handed me a tiny restaurant packet of brown sugar and smiled. I smiled back and sat down at the table across from her kid. He spat his tongue out at me and slammed his fork and knife down.

“That’s Gregory, he’s about Eligh’s age!” She said cheerfully. Now way this kid is four… four years isn’t enough time to take in that many calories.

“Your FAT” He yelled at me, then starred with a devilish grin.

“Now Gregory, be nice.” She reminded him kindly.

“Yes mama.” He stuck his tongue at me once more. Yeah, nice kid. “I go poo poo pee pee in your oatmeal.” He whispered pointing at it, and then he lifted his nose with his finger and made pig noises. That’s more like it. His mother continued tending to her and her child’s meal. Then a scrappy teenager came walking hunched over into the kitchen. He grabbed one of the bowls of oatmeal and sat next to me. Then Pat came over with a dish of bacon and placed it in the middle of the table, Gregory grabbed a handful of bacon, and his older brother grabbed a slice. Gregory saw me eying the last piece and quickly grabbed it off the plate and shoved it into his mouth. Then he spit out his tongue to show me the pieces. His mother then returned with a plate of pancakes. Gregory hurriedly grabbed three with his fork. The older boy stood up and grabbed a plate out of the cupboards and sat down again. Then he grabbed four pancakes for himself, leaving two. “MAMA! Where’s syrup!?” Gregory asked, outraged it wasn’t already on the table for him. His mother returned with a small tub of butter and a bottle of syrup. Gregory started pouring copious amounts of syrup onto his bacon and pancakes, then he scooped out a large spoonful of butter and spread it all over his pancakes. I reached out for a pancake. “THAT’S MAMAS!!” He screamed high pitched and tried stabbing me with a fork. He proceeded to grab the last to and put them on his plate in the ocean of syrup. He started to shovel large amounts of butter and pancake into his mouth, he then opened his mouth to expose his half eaten pancake, which slopped down onto his plate. A glob of syrup slid down his chin and drizzled onto his lap. The teen was eating his waffles dry and looking sliding glass door to the backyard. He had a mop of greasy black hair on top of his head that was obviously dyed; he had blond roots showing on top of his head, making his head look like a giant butt crack.

I ate my oatmeal and it went thick down the back of my throat. Ian crept warily into the kitchen, he had his glasses in his hand; he walked over to me and gave me a sideways hug. He placed his glasses on his face and smiled sleepily at me. I stood up and let him sit in my chair while I got him the last bowl of oatmeal. I placed it in front of him and he looked back at me.

“Can I has pamcakes?” He asked pointing at Gregory’s plate.

“Eat your oatmeal, its real yummy.” I looked over to see if broom Hilda had overheard. I put a finger to my lips and Ian sat on his knees and started to gloomily eat his oatmeal, all the time he starred at Gregory who was shoveling pancakes into his mouth. I sat at the end seat and began eating my oatmeal again. Pat then placed a plate of eggs next to each of her boys. Ian licked his lips.

“Scuze me.” He said. I put my finger to my lips but it was too late, Pat turned around and put one hand on the counter.

“Yes?” she said in a pseudo-soprano.

“Can I pwease has some eggs?” he grinned.

“Sorry but I just turned off the stove, maybe tomorrow” She turned around and grabbed a secret stash of eggs, pancakes, bacon, sausage, and toast for herself.

“Where my toast mama!!” Gregory yelled. She rustled his hair.

“Oh I almost forgot! It’ll be right there.” She scuttled into the kitchen and plugged in the toaster. Then threw in two slices.

“Pwease, can I has toast?” Ian asked.

“Oh all right” She said hastily. She put one slice on the other side of the toaster and pushed it down. I smiled at Ian, and he grinned eating his oatmeal. She stood until the toast popped out of the toaster, then placed Gregory’s two pieces of toast onto a plate and grabbed jam out of the fridge. She placed it in front of him. She sat down at the table and started to eat. A minute later I saw Ian’s slice of toast pop out of the toaster and I began to stand up. “No! No! I’ll get it,” she said with a mouth full of pancakes. She continued to eat, and I kept eying Ian’s toast. I stood up once more. “Don’t worry I’ll get it, you sit down” She finally stood up and I sat back down. She returned with a charred piece of toast for Ian and no plate. She handed it to him. He sat there looking at it. “Well what do you say?” She asked.

“Tanks?” He placed the piece of toast next to his bowl and started scrapping the bottom. “Can I has butter?” He asked Gregory. Gregory went to pick up the tub, he held it out and Ian reached a bit, then Gregory swiped it away.

“No! It’s MINE,” he taunted holding the tub as far away from Ian as he could with his stubby arms.

“Can I has jam den…” He said impatiently.

“No, mine.” He laughed. I picked up the jam and handed it to Ian. Gregory started to whine. Ian slopped a glob of grape jelly onto his toast and ate it smiling. Take that fatty.

“Mama where my juice!” Gregory yelled. She stood up and started sliding past Gregory’s chair he started scooting backwards trying to pin her against the wall. “Mama you FAT” She then grabbed the back of his chair and tipped it forward, he dumped out of the chair like a rag doll. He stood up and she backhanded him across the face.

“I AM NOT FAT!” she screamed then left the room storming. I heard a door slam in the distance. Gregory started to wail, a line of syrup was down his shirt and he had his hands clenched in little fists. He then grabbed his plate and threw it on the ground, which broke in two.

“Whoa” Ian said as he watched the kid destroy his mother’s plate then a dish with eggs on it. The teenager stood up and slid the backdoor open. He grabbed the kid by his armpits and hoisted him up with a lot of strain showing in the teen’s face, then placed him on the back porch. He slammed the glass door shut and locked it. Gregory pounded on the door, and his cries were hardly audible through the thick glass.

“That’s why pop left, cuz he’s such a pain n all” the teenager said looking at Gregory who left the porch for a moment. “Y’all better get lost soon”. I picked up Ian and put him on my hip. I saw Gregory return with a baseball bat. “YOU BETTER NOT!!” The teen screamed. Gregory swung back and hit the door with great force, it cracked outwardly so it looked like a giant spider web. Then Gregory started unleashing several blows to the glass, which shattered into a million pieces. I turned on my heels and ran as fast as I could with Ian in my arms back to the living room.

“We gotta go!” I screamed at my mother who was putting her shoes on next to the bed. Instead of running towards the front door she went into the kitchen to see what the commotion was. I placed Ian on the pullout and he looked severely concerned. I quickly threw my shoes on and ran him out to the car. I slid open the back seat and put him on the floor. “You stay right here, do not move for anything.” I told him sternly he nodded his head. I ran back inside. My mother was now holding the bat, there was glass all over the floor and the boy was crying in his mother’s arms, the teenager had started to sweep up the mess.

“There, there its all right, you’re ok.” His mother said soothingly rocking Gregory back and forth.

“Well, Anna and I REALLY need to hit the road, thank you very much for being so hospitable, and we’ll give you our number once we get to New York. Thank you again!” My mother grabbed my hand and started walking me outside, the bat still in her other hand. We got to the car and she put it in the passenger seat. I got in and Ian was still on the floor of the backseat.

“Grammi, why you gots a bat?” Ian said as buckled him into the middle seat.

“In case we run into other families like that.” She revved the engine and peeled out of the driveway. “Oh my GOD! Could you believe them?” she yelled in disbelief. “Jesus, if I would’ve known they’d be that bad, I mean, she was something at church, but at home? Jeeze! Her little twin there was like the anti-Christ, wasn’t he? Did you see what he did to the backdoor!? What in the world makes him believe he has the right to destroy a house like that?

“Yeah especially Jesus’ House” I laughed

“Mom, you not fat” Ian said wrapping his arms around me tight. I laughed and patted him on the back; he looked up at me and asked, “NOW can we has pamcakes?

The Mysterious Nonbelievers Against the Unwed Teenage Mother

Chapter 1: Jesus, Lover of Deer Heads